As I was watching a friend open gifts at her babyshower this past weekend, I had an intense flashback, and I haven't been able to shake it since. I hope that by writing this public post it will somehow help me deal with what has been a private issue.
The flashback that I encountered was from my own wedding shower (2.5 years ago!) where I sat and opened gift after gift in front of the ones I love the most. If you're a woman and have been involved in a wedding shower, I'm sure you know the ol' "for every ribbon you snap, that's how many kids you will have! ha ha ha". I remember very well that I was careful not to snap a single one. Ever. Not one. KIDS?!?! Screw that... was my thought.
Flashforward 2.5 years to my girlfriend's babyshower where I stood watching her open gifts-- I was stricken with panic that I somehow jinxed myself for life.
It's been 18 months, thousands of dollars, and what seems like countless doctors visits since Matt and I put the green light on wanting to start a family. That's 540 days of analyzing, calculating, hoping, reading, researching, wondering, praying, pleading, crying..... all for what? 18 months later we have nothing to show for it other than a thick medical file, a lengthy credit card statement, and a lot of pent up resentment. This news may come as a surprise to some close to me- but I feel as I travel down this road of.................. INFERTILITY (there, I SAID it...breathe), I somehow feel comforted knowing that I am able to talk (type) about my issue and have people understand how I feel (or at least try to- which believe me, helps tremendously).
Please know, I am NOT on a "whoa is me" train to "my-life-is-over-ville" (At least not at the moment). I had a rough day and simply needed to put words with my thoughts. I understand that many have it worse than me, but I also see the crackhead down the street with her 47 barefooted children, so what the fuck.
Bottom line: NOBODY...NOBODY should live with the fear that they will never be able to have their own biological children and that's precisely where I reside. Now where is my glass of wine?????
